Everything hurts. Everything sucks. Everything that was tolerable has become unbearable.
I hate living alone. I hate that I can't do anything by myself...that's not true. I feel uncomfortable doing things by myself. That's always been the case. But I got so used to relying on him. I didn't think I had to worry about being by myself anymore.
I hate my job more than I've hated any job I've ever had. I'm not just saying that because the present is now. I really hate everything about working here. I hate dispensing medication. I hate doing laundry for hours every night. I hate making copies, stapling booklets, and filing folders. I hate stalking the halls at night, making sure everyone is in bed and not breaking any rules. This is not how I pictured my career. My brain is stagnating. I'm not helping anyone substantially. It does not matter to a single client if I show up for work or not. My boss would care, my co-workers would care, but that is all.
I have known this for months. I have worked here since April...it is September...I have lasted through the summer. I have learned a lot, and that is valuable. But I am sick to death of getting through the night, only to be rewarded with another arduous night.
You know I don't really have any advice for you. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to drop you a note to say that I was lighting a candle for you and that your writing wasn't going unnoticed.
Yeah, I am reading it, too. I haven't commented 'cause I am not sure what to say at the risk of saying anything trite or stupid. I do want to get together once I am out of the thick of things in the next few weeks. I am thinking about you...
ReplyDeleteKat, good to hear from you. You are missed. And I'm thinking of you. Hope you had a good birthday last month (it's your 24th and a twelfth birthday today - Pacific time). It's fun to read your stuff again, like the old days of xanga. AI ai aiii...
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