"If it hurts, you're not doing it right."

My mom used to tell this story about her college roommate, who was a vocal performance major. Apparently she used to do funny-sounding breathing exercises to increase her breath support. Well my mom was curious about what on earth her roommate was doing, so the roommate explained by teaching her how to do them.

Evidently they were harder to do than they looked (er, sounded?). So while my mom was trying to figure them out, the roommate coached encouragingly. "No no, if it hurts, you're not doing it right," she said.

Lately I've been dealing with some emotionally excruciating things. They don't really involve anyone else, except peripherally. It's between my expectations and actual reality; my plans for myself and the plans already set for me. While I'm not a Calvinist (believing all decisions have already been made for me) I do believe that God has a plan.

Today it dawned on me that it hurts so much because I've messed things up. The way I've been trying to live is terribly incongruent with the way God intends for me to live. It doesn't fit; it's not supposed to fit. And as I work through this, I remind myself that it's this way for everyone. If it hurts, we're not doing it right.

In MANY cases we personally are not responsible for the pain. We hurt so much because the world is fucked up. It's not your fault when you hurt because a loved one dies. It's not your fault when your boyfriend hits you because he feels inadequate. It's not your fault when cancer attacks your organs. It's not your fault! But it is incongruent with God's plan, and that's why it hurts.

Does it make things any better to realize the reason bad things happen? Not really. But it's not your fault, and some days that's all we've got.

Just when I think I can't take any more, something else occurs, and I learn that I am stronger than I ever wanted to be. To put it vaguely, after all that I've dealt with, I FIRMLY believe that I can get through anything. Perhaps it's a Jobian mentality, but I've found it to be true.

We will get through this, even if it's the last earthly thing we do.