Why I thought I could come back to work here is beyond me. This place drains the life out of me. Normally seeing the kids is the brightest part of my day...but today the kids in shelter are screaming and rowdy and whiny. The whole atmosphere at the shelter is just below crisis point. Everyone is on edge and no one is happy.
Last time I had regular hours here, I burned out. I hated my life; I snapped at my friends; I stopped taking care of myself; I spent a lot of time complaining but didn't take any proactive measures to improve the situation.
But I have this fierce need to be independent. So I came back in order to pay the rent. I told myself that I'd had enough time away and now I could deal with things rationally. Not true. I have learned that my job at the shelter is an abusive situation in itself.
The drama behind the front desk is sometimes worse than with the residents. We do not work together; it is very clear that everyone is out for herself. There is always gossip and complaining about the decisions others have made. Our bosses mostly ignore this behavior if they catch wind of it. Most of us work here because we have had past experience with domestic violence, and that colors the way we deal with crisis situations. This job is all about crisis situations, so it really brings out the worst in people.
When I came back regularly, I was aware that I needed to be mindful of potential burnout. Last week was rough. Stress from work spilled into my personal life in a serious, awful way. This morning I prayed that if I need to leave this job, God would make it abundantly clear. Point taken. Now Lord, make a way. I resolve to go where you send me.
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