What Happened

Lately, I've learned that I am completely unhappy with my life. Up until this point, I had an idea of the direction I was going. I finished high school and went on to college. In college, I took a sociology class and decided to change my major. I worked during the summers. I had a few relationships. I moved into an apartment with friends I met in the dorm.

I started dating the most amazing guy I've ever met. Things went well, and we were head over heals for each other. I started planning the wedding. I finished college. I took a few months off to send out resumes. Stress ensued when it took me a year to find my first full time position. But things were stable because we were together.

I started the job I have now. I thought I would be here for several years. He got a second job in the evenings. He was supportive, and told me he was proud of me for getting the job. I moved closer to work, which was 1 1/2 hours away from him. He helped me move. I moved to third shift, full time. It was tough, but he was supportive.

He became distant. He didn't want to be physically close anymore. He never wanted to work anything out, and became increasingly irritable with me. I became inconvenient for him. We celebrated 2 years together, and we celebrated my birthday half-heartedly. He told me we needed to talk.

I begged him to take a break instead of dumping me. The next 2 weeks there was no contact whatsoever. It was excruciating, but I did it because I wanted him to change his mind. He didn't. He says he enjoyed our time apart and he needs to be by himself right now.

It's over. I barely believe it. I miss him. I hurt everywhere. I have nothing to look forward to. I am lost and I am unwanted. I put so much faith in this relationship. I gave him everything because I trusted him completely. I was part of his family. We had gone ring shopping. We talked about kids. I was totally in love with him. I had such high aspirations for us.

Why would he do this? I'm trying to respect his decision, and he says he wants to be friends. I'd rather be friends with him than lose him completely. But I keep having dreams that he's with someone else. It makes my blood boil! I want to hurt the girl, to rip at her face with my fingernails, to slash her tires, to scream at her until she cries. I want to destroy her, and I believe I could. He says there's no one else. But why else would I have these dreams?

I hate my job and I hate living where I do. I was alright with my current situation because I thought it was temporary. I was waiting for him to ask me to marry him. I was ready to marry him tomorrow, barefoot, in the middle of a junkyard. Everything would be better once we were together. It was always better when we spent the weekend together, sleeping in the same bed, eating every meal together, using the same bathroom. We were playing house, but he didn't want to move past that.

At the end, he actually told me he thought we should live together for 4-5 years before getting married. He said he didn't see us being together long-term. I don't know how much of it was him feeling trapped. I don't know how much of it was his friends telling him he wasn't macho because I was a strong woman. I can understand how that would be emasculating, but he always told me he agreed that men and women should be equals. Maybe it was all talk.

I just don't understand why the rug has been pulled out from under me. All my plans are ruined and I didn't have a backup plan. My friends are helping me tread water, but this is no life. I'm unhappy with my job, my apartment, my emotional state, everything. I keep hoping that he'll come around...that he'll realize how much he hurt me and appologize, saying made a terrible mistake. Maybe we weren't perfect for each other, but it's the closest I've ever been. I've never felt more loved, more comfortable, or more at peace than with him. That's the honest truth.